Another drunken saturday night at home. Hey I know what I should do, write an article for Broscience. Great idea Caleb. Unlike the last time I did this, I’m not watching Tommy Boy and I’m not drinking weird Korean booze. No, this time I’m watching Army of Darkness and drinking cheap vodka. Vodka makes me want to fight Russians and eat steak, so I’m not sure how funny this article will be. Oh well, let’s get weird.
Well first off what should I write about? Hmm… 10 ways to get the proper dick to ball ratio. Maybe 5 reasons why your girlfriend won’t do butt stuff. Perhaps, yes, the holidays are upon us, so how about a good old fashion diet article. How to watch your diet during the holidays. Yeah, that sounds legit. I’m gonna do that. Here we go.
1. Pick things up and put them down.
Well this is pretty obvious. If you aren’t lifting heavy shit you shouldn’t be eating like shit. You will just gain all the holiday lard instead of building muscle. Lift big, eat big, get big. Yeah bro’s, words to live by right there. The holidays are the perfect time to bulk. Unless you are a poor dirty street urchin you most likely have a family that will give you a lot of free food. You will be eating like royalty for at least a week. Plenty of post workout meals there. Or you could have kids and be the one buying all the food. That seems like an awful idea to me though. Make those damn kids get jobs. Damn freeloaders. Man something smells funky as hell in my house right now. Like doodoo covered twinkies that have been baking in the over for an hour or something. I hope the dog didn’t take a big steamy dump down the heater duct. The fuck.
2. Portion control.
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Okay you have lifted heavy things before eating. The thing is you still can’t go hog wild on certain things. Stuffing stuffing down your gullet won’t benefit you very much. (Yes I wrote stuffing stuffing on purpose because it’s probably the only time I’ll ever get to write that.) Ah who am I kidding, you are bulking, aren’t you? Eat whatever the fuck you want and worry about your diet later. Take the damn powerlifters approach and use all of that food to help you lift heavier. Unless you you want to stay aesthetic. In that case keep um… keep reading on. This movie is really fucking up my concentration. So much yelling.
3. Easy on the booze.
Watch how much booze you drink. For instance, don’t be pounding the eggnog like you’re auditioning for a bukake movie. Alcohol saps gains and your body doesn’t know you are just enjoying the holidays. It only knows that you are drinking poison. Sweet, delicious poison. Speaking of which, I need a refill. Unfortunately the best way to get to my kitchen appears to be me five star frog splashing onto my couch and bouncing into the kitchen. Well, not really the best way at all, but it’s what I’m going to do.
4. Don’t five star frog splash onto your furniture.
Yeah, not a good idea.
5. Balance your food groups.
Just because it’s the holidays doesn’t mean you can’t eat how you always do. Meaning eating the right balance of carbs, fats, and proteins. If you… There’s that fucking stench again. Did I wash my ass properly? “Honey, you got real ugly.” Best line of the whole movie right there. I love the whole series including the new show. It’s great. Sorry, double distraction. Where was I? Oh yeah, if you have the willpower, just don’t over do it on the food. Try to eat around the same amount of food you normally do, just indulging slightly more if you must.
6. Start with greens.
The best way to avoid over eating is to start off eating vegetables and all of that good stuff. Fill up on that first and you won’t eat as much bad food. Easy on the heavy dressing too. That will make your ass get fat, girrrrrrl!
7. Eat protein next.
After the greens eat protein. Turkey, ham, whatever. Eat that before cramming your pie hole full of, well pie. Ahhh, “Hail to the king baby.” That is my favorite line from this movie. I’m gonna start saying that after sex. Wonder if I’ll get sack tapped or not. Anyway you lifted and shit so protein helps build stuff and things and you know all that. Just eat it!
8. Eat the sweets.
If you plan on lifting the next day, eating all of those sweets might not actually be a bad idea. The science, which I cannot remember nor will I look up, says it will help give you a pump or something. Like, it brings more blood into your muscles or something. Look, if you wanted some great info, I’m not in the best position to give it to you right now. I’m sure you knew that going in. I can tell you that you shouldn’t hog out though. Just limit the amount of sweets you eat.
9. Don’t eat much before dinner.
Most likely you will be eating a gigantic dinner for the holidays. If you don’t think you have the self control to eat moderately try not to eat much earlier in the day so your calories will stay around normal. The only downside to this method is that you will be starving and that leads you to overeating. It can be tough to get around.
10. Eating more before dinner.
The exact opposite approach to the last entry. For some people, eating more throughout the day will make it so they won’t eat as much at dinner. This can also be a very effective strategy in helping you not wreck your diet. Hey, I think I found the source of that used diaper cooking in
the desert smell. I think it might be my work shoes in the corner. Either that or whatever the hell is in the glass on my coffee table. No matter, Army of Darkness is over and so are my ideas for this article. As for all of the treats at work around the holidays, just avoid them. Avoid junk food as much as you can during this time of year. Just look at all of the fat people around you and think about why they are fat. That should help you avoid the crappy breakroom treats.
Also remember, your body doesn’t know it’s the holidays. It just knows to get fat. It thinks you are gonna be going into a famine or something because you are eating so much. So try to maintain your workout schedule and eat the best you can. Also, this vodka has surprisingly left me feeling semi okay. With the exception being my focus. Sweet, the original version of the Thing just came on. Sweet! Get gains or die trying brothers and sisters.