Warning: Article written by a very drunk man.
Hello there Broscience fans. I was planning on writing a good, informative article on ways to get gains while doing your daily activities. Unfortunately, I’ve seem to of gotten quite boozed up and have forgotten the points I wanted to write about. So this will be quick. You see, last week I showed my girlfriend a video of Viniq Shimmering Liqueur. It looks like lava lamp juice and she wanted to try it. So I went and bought some today, Saturday the 17th as the writing of this, and of course she didn’t care for it. So I’m drinking the bottle myself, as well as this weird Korean Booze flavored water. I’m pretty sure it’s just a bottle of alcoholic metal shavings but whatever.
Anyway, I’ve decided to write an article on the dangers of drinking while you are built like an extra from the movie 300. So here you go. (Sorry if there are any typos. I’m writing this on my phone with one eye closed. It’s helping.)
When I drink I’m happy go lucky. I don’t fuck shit up, besides myself, and furniture, and vagina, but I don’t usually get aggressive. Sometimes these things can’t be helped though. You got a good pump at the gym earlier and your arms look huge, testosterone is pumping, then something happens to piss you off. Oh and it’s quite easily to get pissed off and be overconfident when you are whiskey drunk.
When you are drunked up in public and you catch a guy eyeballin’ you, it’s only natural to want to put him in the crippler crossface until his head snaps off. And uhh… I was going somewhere with this. Man, this Viniq is sweet. I think I’ll pour more vodka in it. Hmmm… you are reading this in a quick deliberate pace I’m sure but I’m writing it in between drunkenly wrestling my dog and watching Tommy Boy on TV. So excuse me if things get confusing.
The point is, don’t get in drunken bar fights. Jail sucks and so do black eyes. Also I don’t even go to bars anymore. Everyone gets shot on the weekends in the bars in my town. So there’s that too if you need a deterrent. Get drunk in public and fight but your gains won’t mean shit if someone has a gun. Shitty world man. Shitty world. I once wrestled a full grown grizzly bear.
2. Breaking Nice Stuff.
It sucks when you drunkenly fall into your 500 dollar TV and it blows up and melts the walls in your house as well as burning all of your ball sack hair off. When you are a beast of a man it is quite easily to destroy valuables. I once punched my computer in a drunken rage because… uhh… shut up that’s why!
Also, going to parties can be rough when you are a giant mound of muscle. It… oh shit my favorite part of Tommy Boy just came on! Fat guy in a little coat. FAT GUY IN A LITTLE COAT, TEARRRR! Oh, anyway don’t uhh… GO PENS!
3. DON’T DRINK AND DRIVE.
My job requires me to have a license. Caleb does not need a DUI, and neither do you! I’ve never had one but being in the beer business, I know many you have gotten one. It seriously fucks up lives. Besides the fact that you can kill someone by drinking and driving, you will also be very embarrassed by it and lose a shit ton of money from fines. My state, Pennsylvania, is very strict on this. If you must drink, do it with hookers… I mean responsibly. Plus, when you are huge and drunk, you might try to fight a cop. Cops don’t play in the states. They shoot white people now. Just stay home and watch Tommy Boy while drunk. It’s safer.
4. Parties end up bad.
Look, I don’t know why. But umm. What the hell am I doing? Oh yeah, you ever go to a party and you are the biggest guy in the place. After everyone is good and drunk, guys will start to challenge you to the dumbest shit. Push Up contest, feats of strength, arm wrestling, whatever dumb stuff they can come up with. If you workout often people will notice, and douchey frat boy types will try to assert themselves as the alpha male by challenging you in front of women. Just swiftly grab these assholes and tombstone piledrive them through a table. That should end that.
5. People want to out drink you.
For some reason if you are big, other men want to out drink you in front of other people. It’s the dumbest shit ever and nobody wins in the end. They must think if they beat you in a drinking contest than their shit physique doesn’t matter because they are “manlier” than you. Fuck those assholes. They are lame and should be punched into the sun. Fuck! Why don’t I have superman powers yet? Stupid mother… I can’t believe I’m still coherently writing this.
I was gonna make like, 10 more entries on this. But I can barely see my phone anymore. I apologize to you guys if this article sucks. Did I ever tell you how whiskey dick stopped me from fucking a really fat chick? I swear I don’t drink that much. Oh shit my other favorite part of Tommy Boy! Housekeeping. Want me to jerk you off? Sorry I’m too far gone. If I’m spelling anything correct it’s because of autocorrect. As always, get gains or die trying.