The life of a serious bodybuilder is a truly unique one if not one entirely misunderstood. Whether it be the massive amounts of food eaten daily or the long hours in the gym, becoming a true beast takes full immersion of the mind, body, and soul.
It is because of this lifestyle that a hardcore lifter may find that they are missing out on certain aspects of life. Most likely, there are certain extracurricular activities often put on the back burner until the needs of a man become too much to ignore. When the primal lust for the touch of a woman takes over though, the hunt inevitably begins.
Like a bear waking from a long hibernation, you may find yourself a little apprehensive when first leaving the cave (Or in your case the gym.) and getting back into the real world.
Now being an alpha male it does not take long to find some young hot chick who is very curious as to what it would be like to be with a real sexual tyrannosaurus. Whether she be a dirty bottom dollar bar skank or a perfect 10, trust fund having, top of her class ivey school attending, 5 star dining, dirty bar skank is irrelevant.
The point is you are taking her home, and you are going to drop the hammer.
That is of course until the reality of being the incredible Hulk having sex with a normal sized human sets in.
This is the struggle of doing the horizontal monster mash when you look like you wrestle rhinos and inject gorilla blood daily. It all starts with the simple act of,
1: Taking off your clothes.
Now you probably don’t normally give much thought to getting undressed, but it’s a completely different story when you have some fine dime naked in front of you. All you can think about is smashing yet you can’t even take your shirt off.
Your overly muscular upper body coupled with the kids gap shirt you stole off your little brother to show your new gains off has backfired drastically.
Not to mention the skinny jeans which use to be normal sized, but due to never skipping leg day and spending all extra money on supplements instead of buying new clothes, are also glued to your body and causing your balls to marinade in their own special flavoring.
If only a singlet and sweatpants were socially acceptable to wear out on the town you would be naked already and prematurely ejaculating by now. Then again, your naked physique has a serious downside in that you now have,
2: Disproportionate penis size.
Assuming your irritation took over and you simply flexed and had your clothing explode off your body, you may find you now have another problem. That baby arm between your legs that you used to so proudly show off doesn’t quite get the same reaction it once did.
Even though it technically isn’t any smaller, the massive amount of muscle you have recently put on makes it look out of place. Your gigantic quads and ripped torso simply dwarf your once prized love rocket.
Hoping your newly aquired lady friend is still in awe of your shirt busting performance, you run up as quickly as possible and 5 star frog splash on top of her.
In hindsight, that probably wasn’t a very wise move because,
3: Furniture isn’t made for people like you.
As impressive as your aerial artistry was, your gargantuan frame was not meant to leave the Earth for even the shortest duration of time.
Luckily your lady friend managed to roll out of the way at the last second leaving the bed to take the full brunt of the Donkey Kong barrel that had just inexplicably blew it up into thousands of sharp splinters.
After removing hunks of wood from your skin you decide to give her some grade A lumber over on the couch.
Deciding to be much more gentle on this next piece of furniture, you realize that,
4: Being gentle is not possible for you anymore.
Working much to your benefit, her state of inebriation has left her with the inability to realize how moronic you truly are. Not wasting another second, it is now time to get to business. Being that this woman’s vagina is highly questionable in the causing burning dick syndrome department, you make sure to play it safe and wrap it up.
In your excited frenzy you accidentally rip the condom and wrapper completely in half with your giant catcher mitt sized hands. Trying to play it off you laugh and grab for another one. You manage to get this one on and try to quickly dock your ship into her port.
Unfortunately being the thoughtless meat headed barbarian you are, foreplay was not a consideration for you and she was drier than a nun on Easter.
If only the Arby’s roast beef sandwich she’s got going on down there was an actual roast beef sandwich, you might be willing to go down and properly lube things up. Being an alpha male and not very considerate, that’s obviously not an option though.
After some bumbling and stumbling you finally manage to give this woman five unsatisfying minutes of hard pounding. Having smashed this poor woman’s love canal with your reckless thrusting and severely bruising your ego in the process, you have reached the conclusion that,
5: Getting laid is just not a top priority for you anymore.
Even with all the time and effort you put into getting lucky you can’t help but think about the gains you might be missing out on. Not only have you skipped your late night protein shake, but now you will most likely be too tired in the morning to get a proper workout in. Perhaps this was not worth it at all.
Oh well, off to buy a new bed and get some much needed food.
As a matter of fact screw the bed, there’s a good sale on protein powder going on right now. It’s not like you can fit in a normal sized bed anyway.
Author: Caleb James for BroScience.co