Are you sick of being fooled by fake natty’s? Do you hate having to rely on steroid experts to figure out the truth about your favorite natty vegan supreme bodybuilders? Do you like judging others to make up for your awful physique but you lack the proper knowledge to hate like a pro? Well never fear, Caleb’s here, and I’m going to help you become a steroid expert in 6 easy steps.
1. Look for Gyno
This is one of the easiest ways to figure out if someone is using gear. When you see a bodybuilder walking around with “joosy” nipples and titty fat, it’s a pretty clear sign that they are on the sauce. But wait Caleb, I have voluptuous man bosoms myself and I’ve never touched a drug, how can this be? Well this complicates things slightly. Some guys gain more breast tissue during puberty than others causing natural gyno. Sometimes it goes away, sometimes it doesn’t. Hell, if I ever got popular as a fitness dude I would be accused of being on gear because of my naturally arousing nip fat. That’s why you gotta look at before and after pictures to compare the ripple of the nipple.
2. Dick to Ball Ratio
Well obviously I don’t need to explain this one
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3. Check Muscle to Fat Ratio
If you see a guy walking around at 210-250 lbs of muscle and only 4% body fat, something strange is going on. Either that guy is the biggest genetic freak you have ever seen, or he’s juicing more than a blonde fitness chick on Instagram.
The fitness world will have you believe that a 19 year old can naturally have the body of Arnold during his prime, but come on now. I don’t care how much you argue about genetics and hard work, that fucking guy is using more gravy than a fat man at KFC.
I don’t care if you use gear, but don’t insult my intelligence with your shitty workout routine and top dollar duck eggs. You snake oil salesman can go pound butt, bareback, in the middle of the Australian outback.
4. Call Out Bad Acne
Some of us have shitty skin. And I’m not just talking about those of you who are into poop porn. I mean some of us suffer from acne far into adulthood. I have greasy gypsy skin and from time to time my back will break out and make me look like I’m roided up something fierce. Again, if I were ever to get really huge and popular, this would be another thing people would point out to prove that steroids were the cause for the great physique. I remember seeing pictures of Tom Hardy during the shooting of the Dark Knight Rises and he had real bad back acne. Guys on the
bodybuilding forums started screaming steroids, even though he wasn’t all that big and certainly wasn’t shredded.
Even though for many of us acne is a natural occurrence, it is true that steroids can cause you to break out like a herpe epidemic at a frat house. For me though, I think it’s weird when you see these bodybuilders who have absolutely perfect skin. I’ve heard the more muscle you have and the less fat, the better your skin will be. How many guys who train regularly maintain amazing skin through all of the sweat and grime of daily workouts though? Maybe they are just genetically gifted to have great skin. Realistically, they probably just tan a lot. Either way, a person’s skin is a good way to tell what kind of things they put into their body. (Junk food, drugs, alcohol, fish and rice cakes, etc.)
5. Look at Lifting Stats
If a guy is bigger than you and lifts more, he is 100% on steroids, says skinny pencil dick having betas everywhere. In reality certain guys are just better than you. Some guys gain muscle and strength easy as fuck. That’s not a good indicator of steroid use. It’s when you see that guy with 4% body fat lifting powerlifting record type weight that you should take notice.
Even better, the best indicator is if that guy goes through this incredible size and strength transformation in a very short amount of time. That’s not normal. Your bench shouldn’t go up hundreds of pounds in a month nor should you gain crazy muscle size while losing fat. That is never natural, no matter how many protein shakes you butt chug.
6. Make Sure You Look Like a Non Lifter
You can’t judge other people’s bodies unless you look like a shriveled up scrotum… apparently. If you really want to be a true steroid expert, all you need is fancy glasses and a YouTube account. Simple as that.
I realize this article focuses mainly on men. So here are a few quick ways to spot a female fake natty.
1. Thumb Sized Clit.
Does her clit look like mini me’s arm? That’s probably not normal. (I like to point out that I wrote an article on female bodybuilders awhile back and some guys got really upset. Like, they couldn’t handle the fact that I made fun of giant clits. So I apologize if I offended anyone’s love for ladies who rock the baby dick clit. To each his own.)
2. Developing of an Adam’s Apple and Other Masculine Facial Features
3. Deepening of the Voice.
4. Dick to Ball Ratio
Obviously I don’t need to explain this one.
5. Calls Herself Chestbrah
There you have it. Now you have the basic knowledge on how to call out people for steroid use. You are a true steroid expert. Stop lifting and start hating. GO!