Do you want to make a lot of money without sacrificing your penchant for being a giant douche balloon? Well I have great news for you! Careers in the fitness celebrity industry are absolutely booming these days.
There are so many ways to develope a fan following in which to force feed cockmeat filled bullshit sandwiches to that you’ll be making John Stamos money in no time.
I’m going to break down the steps in becoming super successful in the fitness industry. So strap in boys in girls, this is going to be a bumpy ride.
1. Get fit.
Well this is the hard part folks. No matter how conniving and dickheaded you are, people will not listen to you if you don’t have the physique to trick people in thinking magic product number 9 created said physique.
If you want to sell people freeze dried protein monkey jizz balls, you will need a body that says “mmm mmm I sure love me those protein jizz balls.
They really feed my massive muscles all of the amino acids they need to get all hard and swollen looking.”
So the first thing you are going to need to do is follow a strict exercise and diet regiment. Also take a lot of roids because that speeds things up exponentially.
Double also, Never EVERRRR, admit to taking roids.
As far as the general public is concerned, you are more natty than a wooden dildo.
2. Get a fan following.
Once you look like a muscular veiny ball sack this part is really easy. Just post a bunch of flexing videos to get the intial gay guy followers: then throw in some workout videos to get the bodybuilding crowd, and finally you want to add the pointless humor videos to get the average Joe to watch you.
After a few months you should have a significant amount of followers in which to rip off, I mean “sell quality products” to.
3. Gay for Pay.
Want to make an easy buck? Touch a pickle for a nickle. Old gay guys love bodybuilders.
4. Sell shitty shit to shitheads
Now that you have enough people trusting your awful advice, believing you are natty, and willing to buy anything you sell in order to look like you, it’s time to take advantage of your trusting fans.
First off, sell something simple that seems unique and foreign to your fan base: that way it doesn’t cost you a lot of money to get/make. This will net you a hefty profit when you turn around and sell it for ten times the price it cost you to get initially.
Start small with something easy like a shitty caffeine filled turd powder that you give a crazy name like “Beast Fucker Ultimate Pre-Workout Ejaculator Serum.”
After the garbage pre-workout move on to something you can sell for a bit more money.
If you are smart enough anything can become ultimate muscle building fuel: 500 dollar electric blue crabapples that certainly aren’t just crabapples dyed blue, 80 dollar walnut skin powder, 1000 dollar moose antler oil extract, the product ideas are endless as long as you are creative enough.
Finally you need to release the expensive one of a kind fitness workout plan. You need a catchy name like “Testosterholics Presents: The Iron Chamber Master Ass Blaster Plan,” or, “4 minute glutes,” depending on your demographic.
The workout itself doesn’t need to be anything new, just a bunch of simple exercises done in pointless rep schemes and weird orders. Make sure to have bass heavy music in the background.
PRO-TIP: If you are handy with tools, build a shitty ab roller and sell it for thousands!
5. Go to expos.
Depending on your level of fitness fame, you can make some quick cash by selling you autograph and products at fitness expos. What better way to feel like less of a douche than by being surrounded by even bigger douches!
6. Make collaboration videos.
If you find your popularity waning a bit, or maybe people are just sick of your shit, just find another popular fitness personality and make a collaboration video.
Now you both can use your combined powers to sell shit to people. You will be like Batman and Superman teaming up against the world.
That is if Batman suffered from roid rage and an eating disorder while Supes was addicted to laxatives, diuretics, and cocaine.
7. Do the exact opposite of everything I said.
So you failed at step one but still want to make money. Simple solution! Don’t be a fitness guy at all. Just bash the successful fitness guys instead!! You don’t need a nice body when you can just use the power of hate that you received when you were struck with a heavy dose of hateration during the great hate bowl of 19hatie.
If you are funny enough you can even use your hating skills to sell shitty merchandise with your shitty catchphrases. If you aren’t funny don’t worry, you can just become a steroid expert and bash people who are even more awful, albeit much more successful, than you!
So there’s your quick fix on how to be a fitness industry shill. Get your duck eggs, pre-workout, and training dvd’s, it’s time to make that money.
Author: Caleb James