The gym is the epicenter of insecurity; a room full of weights and mirrors where you can pump up your muscles, compare them to everyone else’s then head to the change room and do the same with your penis.
Clearly, our actions there are a little less than sincere. But it’s time we call ourselves out and admit our lies so we can uncover the fragile, pathetic, penis-comparing individuals we truly are.
Here are eight common gym lies every bro tells about his workouts that he should just shut up about right now.
GYM LIES #1: “I Just Got Back From The Gym/I’m Going To The Gym”
This first one doesn’t happen at the gym, but it’s about the gym, and it makes the list for being so damn annoying.
Everybody loves to talk about going to the gym. It’s the perfect excuse.
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Don’t like to party? “Sorry bro, gotta go to the gym.” You’re instantly perceived as the Lou Ferrigno of your friends.
Missed a call from your boss? “Sorry bro, I was at the gym.” You’re the most jacked guy in the office.
Fell asleep during foreplay? Well you’re just a fucking idiot, but the point remains.
And let’s not forget about that day you ate a pint of Ben & Jerry’s during a marathon of Night Court and felt so guilty about it that you posted a pic of your flexed calf, wrote “#LegDay” then climbed your stairs two at a time before going to bed.
GYM LIES #2: “I’m Bulking”
Oh really? When’s the competition?
So you’re just looking for a reason to not feel bad about your steady regimen of honey garlic wings? Gotcha. I guess as long as your arms are big enough, you think you can cover your gut with a sleeveless supplement shirt and no one will notice.
This is 2015, the Greg ‘the Hammer’ Valentine physique doesn’t really fly anymore.
Either man up and get some abs or keep bulking, get really insecure around May, go on a two week cleanse, shit something green, then start all over again.
GYM LIES #3: “I Lift About (Insert Lie About Weight Amounts)”
You can complete this sentence with almost any exercise and everyone knows you’re at least 10-15 pounds full of shit. You were never good at math, but once someone asks what you bench, all of a sudden you’re A Beautiful Mind.
You round up, you assume the bar weighs a ton, you figure if you do 8 reps of 45lbs your one rep max must be somewhere in the 400s.
If you’re lying, and the guy next to you is lying, let’s drop the charade. Just walk by and say “full of shit?” “Full of shit.”
GYM LIES #4: “I Hurt My ___ From Benching So Heavy”
At least once a week, I hear a conversation louder than my headphones with a guy who hasn’t been to the gym in 3 months telling his war story of the time he blew out his shoulder.
While it’s true he blew out his shoulder, I’d like to make a small addendum; you didn’t blow out your shoulder because you were benching so heavy, you blew out your shoulder because you were benching like an asshole.
There’s a difference between benching heavy and putting so many plates on the bar that you have to bounce it off your chest, give your spotter a bicep pump and keep grunting until everyone turns around to see how much you’re benching.
Couple that with fact that you don’t warm up, you don’t stretch and you watch a segment of Maury between sets and you are the Mr. Olympia of assholes.
GYM LIES #5: “I Got This Stuff From A Buddy Of Mine”
Supplements, diets, workouts, anything from a “buddy of yours” is usually completely wrong.
Firstly, I even doubt the existence of this “buddy” as you probably just ripped this workout from a supplement add in a fitness magazine that you were too cheap to pay for at the convenience store.
And if there actually is a “buddy”, you probably just hit pause on your music and creeped some advice from an online-certified personal trainer talking to a retired accountant…who still has better arms than you do.
And most of the supplements are bullshit anyway.
GYM LIES #6: “Yeah, I’ve Been Doing CrossPilatesFitBoxingYogaSpin For Years”
Whatever the new fitness trend, this guy has done it and he’s an expert. He kills at it. But he had to stop because he got injured/bored and think it’s just a fad.
He hasn’t tried it. He didn’t even know it existed until it was mentioned to him.
GYM LIES #7: “I’m Not Hitting On You”
What a gentleman! Foregoing sexual advancements just so you could correct her form. I guess you’re just a Form Fairy, fluttering from girl to girl until the entire female population has perfect squat form – before you head to the rack and bang out 8 reps that look like you’re shitting pinecones.
And by the way, they’re completely on to your scheme and would rather you admit you’re hitting on them so they can reject you properly rather than exclaiming, “I’m not a pervert!” before trying to smell their hair.
Also, stop lying about the girls in the gym you’ve already banged. The number is more inflated than your bench press.
GYM LIES #8: “My Girlfriend’s Songs Are On Here Too”
You finished your workout and head into the much quieter change room, completely forgetting how loud your headphones are.
You get a judgmental look from the guy next to you, and this is the pathetic excuse you offer up.
If you want to be a real man, you’ll look him dead in the eye and say, “yeah, I listen to Annie Lennox. Got a problem?”