Well here we are again. Four hours down and four more to go. Get big! If you have no idea what I’m talking about I recommend you check out my article with the first half of this wondrous 8 hour arm workout. Mix 3 scoops of your favorite pre-workout (ground up meth?) with a pint of Guinness and let’s get back to it.
Hour 5. Get thick wrist the girls can’t resist.
First things first, time to eat. This hour is going to be a bit easier so grab something that won’t fill you up that much. I prefer the back leg of a wild bison, but if you aren’t concerned with watching your cholesterol, I suppose a bull leg would suffice.
Now in order to get thick, meaty, muscular wrist, you must perform a variety of specific exercises. I would recommend spanking the ol’ thunder stick for the up and down motion of the wrist, but you should still be quite tired from the fap attack. What we are going to do instead is a bit easier but equally effective. Find the nearest human baby you can borrow, preferably under one years old. Distract the mother with fancy 5%er dance moves if you must, but a quick flex show should be more than enough to convince her to give up that baby for a few sets.
Once you have the baby you are going to need to apply a small amount of chalk to the head. Gently palm that dusty baby dome and perform three sets of baby grip curls. Obviously I shouldn’t have to explain such a universally simple exercise. So I won’t. This is great for grip strength and wrist stability. A basketball can be used if you are unable to find a baby, but babies are really a dime a dozen out there on the streets. You can’t walk ten feet down the street without stepping on one of those drug dealing crack babies, at least where I’m from anyway. PRO-TIP!!! If you make nice with the mother of a freshly made baby you just might get some free protein in between sets. Crossfitters are already all over that sweet titty milk. Don’t miss out on the extra gains.
I didn’t really think long and hard about coming up with any more ridiculous wrist exercises. So just go in the corner for the remaining hour and make whooshing sounds with your mouth while pretending to be an airplane. If anyone ask what you are doing just hip toss them through a wooden folding table while screaming “Japan 4!” I don’t know if that will help but it did get me out of jury duty once.
Hour 6. Elbows that get the hoes.
Believe it or not but you do not need to eat anything to start off this hour… if you are a giant lard covered deep fried pussy fart that is. No, you need to eat, and you need to eat fucking big! I’m not talking about one of those fancy turd burgers scientist created in a lab either. (google it.) I’m talking about a whole damn zebra. A zebra caked in protein powder and wrapped up in a soft tortilla made of beluga whale blubber. What time is it? Gains time motherfucker!
Sorry, I may of gotten a little bit carried away. You can just eat a snickers or something. A fucking snickers that has been wrapped in gold rolling paper and marinating in Beyoncé’s cooter
socket for the last… sorry, sorry, I got carried away again. Let’s just get to whatever workout we are doing. The Mike Chang towel row… wait, no, that would be fucking moronic. Oh yeah, 8 hour arm workout. Hell yeah!
Hour 5. (Again)
If you took my advice it probably took awhile to track down a zebra and or Beyoncé. So the last hour didn’t count. This is a do over and we are focusing on elbow development. Now you might be saying to yourself, but Caleb, you can’t build muscle on your elbow. Well the only thing I have to say to you is, you sure fucking can if you do whatever it takes.
Simply find a good back alley surgeon, a yoked but freshly deceased cadaver, and steal his gains. Specifically, have the surgeon attach the dead guy’s bicep to your elbow, inject a little bit of synthol into the dead bicep to reanimate it, and start doing elbow curls like a mofo. How could this possibly work? Science! That’s how. Finish the hour off with some pushups and ten sets of giving the people’s elbow to that candy ass no bicep having dead jabroni.
Hour 6. Whoever smelt it, DELT it.
I’m sure you probably just ate the rest of that dead guy so you should be good on protein this hour. (You shouldn’t waste him after tenderizing him with all of those people’s elbow drops.) This hour you are only going to target your side and rear deltoids. It should be pretty hard to move your arms at this point but nobody said getting gains was easy.
First thing you need to do is five sets of side lateral raises. Nothing fancy. Just side lateral raises, while fighting off a wild mountain lion using only your feet. Pretty standard exercise for me but I understand not everyone has wild rabies infected mountain lions constantly roaming the neighborhood. (They make life a living hell for those drug dealing babies out there trying to make an honest living.) Trust me though, you need those lions if you want to have an intense workout.
After you finish that you will move on to 50 sets to failure of reverse lateral raises. These are best performed laying face down on the stairmaster while it is on the highest setting. Finish this hour with a sturdy poop. When you are dropping heat though make sure to keep your feet off the ground and ass off the seat. It’s a good core strengthening exercise.
Hour 7. Presses to drop their dresses.
This whole hour is going to be nothing but close grip bench pressing. Max weight, max effort. If you can feel your legs after this hour, you aren’t doing it right. We want nerve damage! Also, while you are pressing, a dirty hobo will be giving you full arm sleeve tattoos with his homemade tattoo gun. And since he is homeless, I’ll let you imagine what that tattoo gun is made out of. (Hint, mostly herpes.)
But wait, what about the top of the hour meal? What the fuck! Must I tell you everything? Go eat a damn Slim Jim or something.
Hour 8. Living the dream to squirt the cream.
You are almost done. What is left of your arms is looking incredible. So there is only one way to end this 8 hour arm workout. Get completely naked and flex for a solid hour. Don’t move or anything. Just a solid hour of giving your best back double bicep pose. Also, you should be standing on a rotating platform so everyone can see your amazing gains. A sea of betas will surround you, all of them mirin’. You have finally made it. You are a member of the elite 5% club. Nobody can stop you now. Well, nobody except the super secret 4% guys with their 7 day leg workout. But fuck those guys. Who the hell even legs when you have two perfectly good arms to destroy?
Well that’s another scientifically sound workout completed and in the books. I thank all of you for reading this epic 2 part article and giving me a reason to continue to spread my madness. As always, get gains or die trying.
Author: Caleb James For BroScience