Broscience quick fix!
Are you fat? Would you like to be less fat? Are you sick of your ass fat rubbing the back of your calves raw when you walk? Well you are in luck. I’m here to give you some simple tips on ways to burn more calories during your workouts.
But wait, if you are working out then you are already burning calories, that’s one of the reasons you are working out right? Yes it is, but for the most part, lifting weights is great for building muscle but it’s not great for quickly cutting fat. That’s where that wonderful thing called cardio comes into play!
You burn calories weight lifting but not enough to counteract the massive amount of calories your fat ass ingest on the daily. Add some of these to your workouts when it’s time to lose that meaty donkey you call buttocks.
1. Jump rope between sets
Way back in the day, like in the 90’s or some time period that I’m not just making up for this article, guys would jump rope between sets of weight lifting in order to keep their heart rate up and burn extra calories. Sure this can come off as a major douche move to your fellow gym goers, but fuck them and their stupid opinions.
You aren’t there to impress them, and if you are, you have emotional problems and should go seek help you narcissistic ass rammer. (Note, if you love ramming ass, that’s your business and I support you. Just don’t do it in the gym. Leaves the place with that weird astroglide smell. Also it’s probably not sanitary.)
2. Circuit training
Again, this is a great way to come across as a real douche if done improperly. (Every gym clown list ever mentions the circuit training guy.) Once more though, if you want to keep your heart rate up and burn some extra calories, setup 2 to 3 exercises and do them back to back one after the other. It is best to do this kind of training when the gym is empty or near empty though so you don’t get in people’s way like some kind of crossfit loving dick nugget.
Hold on, isn’t this how you start on the path to becoming a panty sniffing, fart fetish having, Tom Brady stalking, dildo tossing, crab fisherman molesting, strangers testicle fondling, BBW loving, Caitlyn Jenner admiring, WWE is real believing, paleo diet following, bad form having, 1985 Chicago Bears worshiping, penis enhancement pill ordering, Kanye West is a genius thinking, smart car diving, vaginal reduction surgery needing, crossfit practitioner?
Yes it is.
3. Heavy bag work
Throw this in at the beginning, middle, or end of your workout: I prefer to do it at the end as you can go much harder. It’s a great way to really exhaust yourself and burn a lot of calories.
A side bonus to punching and kicking the sand out of a heavy bag is that it can also let out some built up aggression that was caused by the circuit training guy being in your way and hogging all of the equipment for an hour
4. Alternating high/low rep lifting
After a random weekend of that all you can eat pizza, beer, and vagina binge, you might find yourself more bloated and softer looking than normal. I find doing a workout where you alternate between heavy low rep sets and lightweight high rep sets is a good way to maintain a higher heart rate and sweat off some of that salty fat you are harboring.
Throwing in high reps here and there is also a good way to keep your routine from becoming as stagnant as Jennifer Aniston’s cooter. Plus it’s always a good idea to break things up from time to time. Just like Angie did to Jennifer Aniston’s marriage to Brad Pitt. (I know the reference is extremely dated but I just don’t like Jennifer Aniston or her awful movies… or her man face.)
High intensity interval training. Basically you go as hard as you can for a minute or so on something like sprints and you do this in sets. It’s much faster than regular cardio and it increases growth hormone and natural testosterone production in the body. There is a reason sprinters are so jacked while the marathon guys look like meth heads who only eat at Arby’s.
HIIT is really great for those of us who hate spending time doing long bouts of boring ass cardio. If you only have a few pounds to lose this is great for cutting down in a short period of time. Try ending your workout with 5-10 sets of 1 minute, full effort sprints with 45 second breaks in between sets. You will see the fat just slide off like a wedding ring on Jennifer Aniston’s finger.
Well there you have it ladies and germs, hope these quick tips make your cardio efforts a little more bearable.