For most of us we start off on our fitness journey naturally, using only our grit and determination to get by. Unfortunately, even the most determined of us sometimes need a little extra push here and there. Luckily there are many things in this day and age you can take to help boost athletic performance and have you bench pressing a 1989 Buick Skylark for reps in no time.
If you workout consistently, put forth max effort during every session, and do everything right, chances are still pretty good you will eventually hit a wall. Whether you’re lacking motivation, run down, or have just been dragging ass, you could really use a boost. So you decide to take your first pre-workout supplement and immediately find yourself smashing through that wall like the Kool-Aid man when he’s all hopped on cocaine and deer antler spray.
It all starts off innocently enough but eventually you spiral out of control into full blown pre-workout addiction. But before you find yourself injecting pre-workout directly into your genitals while hiding in the bathroom as your significant other bangs on the door screaming “I know what you’re doing in there!” You start small by simply choosing a brand. Thats where the addiction starts as you first realize,
1: There are seemingly endless brands of pre-workout.
What one should you buy? Dragonblast 9000 or Gorilla Jammer Plus? Cockgrenade or Dopafiend 2020? The answer of course, is all of them. You end up spending way too much money on pre-workout supplements and not enough on important things like bills, or food. After awhile you can’t workout without taking some caffeinated ass flavored boom boom powder but you don’t seem to be getting the same energy as before. You built up a tolerance and now you have to break the most important bro rule of all. You take 4 scoops. Now this brings you to the second stage of this addiction which is,
2: The side effects.
Having taken 4 heaping scoops for the first time you now seem to be smelling colors and seeing radio waves. You become jittery, twitchy, lightheaded, and your skin itches. Your heart is beating out of your chest and you are sweating your balls off even though you feel cold. You very obviously should see a doctor or at the very least lay down and ride it out. Yeah right! That tub of Rump Pumper Premium cost you an arm and a leg at the GNC by your house that you only stopped at because you needed a quick fix. There’s no way you are letting any of it go to waste.
You go to the gym anyway even though you feel like you may die at any time. Your workout sucks and you have to keep running to the bathroom as the high dose of caffein has you spraying some serious free flowing butt water every 10 minutes. It’s alright though because the dehydration from the constant mud butt has you vascular as hell and the ladies love nothing more than a vascular man! (They do not.) The pre-workout seems to wear off and you go out after the gym and pick up some hot chick. You take her home and that’s when you find about your next problem. You have a serious case of,
3: Stim dick.
That’s the scientific term that engineers at Harvard University coined (probably) for what happens to a man when he has too many stimulants in his system while becoming sexually aroused. You and your lady friend are getting all hot and heavy when all of a sudden your boner dies faster than Yamcha in a super saiyan pillow fight. You try to sneakily dufflebag it in but despite your best effort, thing’s just don’t work out. Your penis is now more limp than a one legged man with a broken ankle. There is no hope for recovery. The pre-workout bottle lied to you and now you are cursing the heavens. You now have reached your limit and decide you need to,
4: Get off the sauce.
Having your dick work less than old people on election day was the final straw. You decide to get off the pre-workout train and exercise naturally. No more coffee, energy drinks, or pre-workout powders for you. You are now on the straight and narrow.
The first week is complete agony as you feel irritable and tired all of the time. But you much rather have your mood be irritable than your bowels so you soldier on and stay clean. After a month or so your natural energy slowly returns and you are once again crushing it in the gym. You are making solid gains and you start to wonder why you started taking pre-workouts in the first place.
As time continues though you start to plateau again and your workouts become monotonous. You feel like you need a boost of some kind. That’s when you look over and see your old tub of explosive punch flavored Bukake Jackhammer sitting on top of the refrigerator. You think hard about using it. After all it was awful getting off the stuff the first time. You really need to pick things up and put them down at a furious rate though. What can one little scoop hurt? You can handle it. No way you will get hooked again. Oh how you’ve missed your old friend. Hopefully that Buick is sitting in the parking lot where you left it.
Author: Caleb James for BroScience.co